some news: i'm in love with my boyfriend.

it's very distressing.

but more importantly (HAH - i'm fucking sick, aren't i?) - i've lost.

(and don't those words taste sweet in my empty mouth . . . i. have. lost. )

103.5 pounds.

at 5 foot 4. this is just nearly underweight.

mmmmkay. :)

i just got my period for the first time in about 3 months, so i'm bloated and crabby. and obviously, a little nervous now that aunt flow has returned. i am not content with a leveling weight. not at all. i need to continue to drop, and i'm afraid a steady period means i'm on the wrong path.

i don't know. it feels like i'm flailing. it always feels that way - like i'm never good enough, not doing this right, eating too much, puking too little, lazing around the house like a fat ass and calling myself DISORDERED -

fuck no.

it, honest to god, SCARES me.

i say to myself, TODAY, today you will not binge. today you will not puke. today you will consume nothing save for coffee and tea. today you will fall asleep with a growling, hollow stomach, your hands cradling your ribs like the bones are baby, a smile stretching your empty mouth up up up. today will be the start of everything. today will be your demise.

.
.
.

but things never go as i plan. the bones i love so dearly retreat into my softness, the food muffles my belly's groans, my skin turns from yellowed hued and pale, to peach.

it's fucking horrible.

the more i lose, the fatter i am.

it's funny too. i visited my friend today. this friend - she is a failure (and i am a bitch). Let's call her Mar

Mar is fat. Mar has stretch marks on her fat thighs and thick calves, a round belly, jiggly arms and chubby wrists. Mar has a double chin. Mar has droopy, huge cheeks, long like the eyes of a Basset hound, red from her Irish blood. Mar has fat boobs. Mar has a muffin top not only when she wears jeans, but when she wears A BRA as well.

it's disgusting.

and guess what? in 6th grade, i used to pout and moan about her having thinner thighs then me.

HAH.

i'm 20 pounds thinner then i was last year, two years ago - and two or three inches taller. i'm proud of my few prominent bones. my weight, nearing the 90s. Fuck. how much do you think she weighs? she's only maybe 2 inches taller then me, and shit - about 50 pounds heavier? it's revolting. it's . . . gah.

i only hang out with Mar now because she offers such fabulous negative thinspiration.

sigh.
ok. enough for today. i have hours of homework and a dinner to avoid.