February

i hate February. hate it with a passion.
we are one month into 2010. nothing really interesting has happened. it's like we are leaving behind something, like we are feeling for a limb lost. it takes time to get used to this new year.
blah blah.
the weather is absolute shit. cold, icy, dry, completely barren. the sky is gray, not even hinting at blue. the people suck too. everyone's in a shitty mood. their hands are numb, their backs hurt, they can't sleep, they're stressed and need a vacation. they're tired from this endless winter. their asses are bruised because they slipped on an icy patch of sidewalk.
it's always been ironic to me that Valentine's Day occurs durring such a dismal month. but perhaps it happened that way on purpose - to break up the monotony and misery of February.
still; don't you think it would make a lot more sense for Valentine's Day to be in the Spring? let's say . . . April or May?
anyway.
tired tired bored bored. don't want to go to sleep, yet again.
i've had a terrible weekend. my mother wouldn't let me out of the house because we had to "clean" (all we really did was sit around and watch TV - we're all a bunch of procrastinators haha). my friends got drunk and had fun without me. i was upset, but got over it. i though to myself: well, now you get a chance to fast undisturbed.
yeah.
fat chance.
friday night, i purged. then ate nothing.
saturday started beautifully. i ate clean nothing, cept a handful of rasins and my coffee, and i even worked out a little. i was feeling amazing, really productive and on the right track - when some asshole ordered chinese.
i wolfed that shit. BINGE. so then i just said, fuck it, and threw the towell in. i ate two yogurts, all the raisins, a piece of toast. then i went out and bought frozen yogurt and ate that too.
i felt terrible and ugly and fat. i poked my stomach and all i could see was myself waking up the next morning, ten pounds heavier.
sunday, today, should have been a day of penance. and it sorta was. again, just like saturday, it started out well. nothing, nada. the bit i did eat, i puked in my friend's bathroom. i used her scale afterwards and found out that SOMEHOW, i'd lost three pounds. i was 111. i was very very pleased.
then i went home. avoided dinner.
and then for no reason whatsoever, i just went down stairs and binged. carrots and chips and salsa, cheese, grahm crackers, and GASP, Mallomars.
nasty.
i am nasty.
i have to be strong. i must get through just ONE DAY where i do not eat. where i succed. i'm so tired of these failures. they're fucking with my head. i feel so good, my body light, and then i drown it with food, and it can't breath and it becomes fat with the need for less, showing me that i am excess and we need less, less, nothing. please, feed me nothing.
i will subsit on air.
i need to starve.
okay, my ghoulies and ghosties. 36 hour fast anyone?
let's do it.